im probably what people would consider a "good player." this embarrasses me.
im just a person who is so afraid of failing they use every excuse you've ever heard to avoid realizing they have failed. this post, even, is just me procrastinating thinking about it.
failing scares me. not meeting expectations. what it means when i try my hardest and still fail.
can i even try my hardest when im scared of failing? won't that fear just hold me back from truly doing what i need to do? don't i want to protect my ego from facing the fact that it failed while truly trying? i try to answer these and i just realize what i already know, and what i don't want to do.
i've formed my personal identity around being "good." unintentionally, i've linked my self-worth to my skill. this, obviously, creates nasty and awful behavior patterns in order to protect the deeper self. being mindful of this possibility helps me fix the bad patterns, or at least helps me try.
i believe when im truly free from these made-up expectations i put on myself, and accept that failure is not the end of my life, i will be worthy of being considered "good." im ashamed of the excuses i make when i fail, when i don't win, when i make a mistake. that's not what a good player does.
i want to be somebody who is skillful while being kind. somebody who recognizes negative experiences have positives in them. somebody like those tv show characters that are depicted as the mentor for the main character.
pride is a double edged sword. the correct use of pride demands full use of my ideal morals at all times. otherwise, the sword will fall back onto me.
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