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Lenala Xhula

Behemoth (Primal)

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The possible end to my journey.

Hello, I am Lenala Xhula.
I’ve formerly been a FC leader on Exodus since 2013/2014 up until mid 2019.

Over the last about 20-ish months, the last 14 especially have been some of the most difficult times of my life.
A lot of those reasons being my fault.

I’m someone who gets attached to people very easily and view people (even virtually) as family to me.
I always in the end of the day, just wanted to make people smile because it made me smile.
And from the 1st day I lead, all the way up until late 2018, the FC meant the world to me.
And it was due largely to everyone I love and cared for.
They were my everyday reason to jump onto the game.
It honestly felt like heaven, where some of the coolest/greatest moments of my life have came from the FC.

Some may ask why I no longer lead.
To keep it summarised, I’ve made extremely poor decisions/actions, manipulating to a former best friend in game, where at the time we were in a relationship.
Although I never had the intentions, I still did it at the end of the day and it was inexcusable.
And those actions became public and I needed to step down.
And to that person I sincerely apologise, I’m ashamed of myself to lose that best friend who was extremely special to me.

I met a friend through work in December 2018, and that person soon became one of my best friends, who also played this.
And throughout the year, especially after stepping down has Tremendously helped and been their for me,
We soon suggested we transfer and we did.
And that person sort of became my coping mechanism and helped me recover.
Our friendship unfortunately came to an end on Christmas as I wanted to give that person a gift of appreciation, and as that person was also going through stuff, I wanted it to also be a gift of cheering up and comfort.
The gift was denied and it went wrong and we haven’t spoke since and it hurts a lot.
And to that person I just wanted to say thank you, if you are reading this, you have helped me with so much.

2020 has been difficult, I’ve spent majority of the year alone, and playing the game I loved less and less.
Where the main reason and motivation for playing this game is because of people, that I adored so much.
And In my world I felt like I’ve lost everything and I just don’t feel motivated anymore.

I constantly get recurring memories and thoughts of the past to this day, because I miss the good times, but especially for the things I did..
I’ve tried a lot to move on and improve myself to becoming better, speaking with people, friends and more.
And although I feel like I have become better, I just cannot move on.
It really meant a lot to me, the FC especially.

In the end I just wanted to thank everyone, from friends, members and more for all the memories that we had and the happiness you provided me.
But I’m more importantly sorry to those I’ve let down.
I know I’ve broken a lot of trusts, and I never wish I did. Because I’ve lost a lot of special people that meant so much to me.

What the future holds for me, I am not sure, there maybe a day I come back to this game.
But at the moment it’s been months since I’ve last played.
And I’ve been wasting my money on the subscription.
I hope one day it could change.
And I hope that everything can turn around.
So far it hasn’t, but I still believe.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

P.S I will post some edited images of the FC, as I created these over the years and have still kept to this day,

This was also typed at 5am >.< so it may not be written perfectly.
Comments (7)

Kit Aphra

Mateus (Crystal)

This was honestly quite emotional to read and I don't even quite know you. Please hang in there, whoever you are. Don't allow mistakes to define you and look to the future. This messege alone leads me to believe you are a good person and have learned from them. You deserve to be happy, good luck.

Goddess Hekate

Moogle (Chaos)

I too get attached to people and make poor decisions, so I feel you on this. I've also stopped playing the game because of a loss of a relationship that was very special yet toxic for
me. i don't know if you believe in such things but I'm sending you light and love. You'll find your way back when and if you're meant to. and if you learn from past mistakes instead of repeating them, then you're already ahead of many people I know in game and irl. )0(

Cliff Dagger

Ragnarok (Chaos)

Hey there, I don't typically tend to indulge myself in heartfelt matters, however I think since I have changed my password I feel a bit more comfortable in doing so :)
Sometimes just take a break, nothing wrong with that in my opinion. As far as being critical of your own mistakes... go easy. These relationships can be a pretty potent stimulator. Advice, do what feels right and maintain your mental health.

Annabel Ashcroft

Faerie (Aether)

Reading this, I sometimes wonder if I will go this route one day and do one dumb thing too much and mess up what friendships I have in the game, causing me not want to play it anymore. But so far, people put up with me. ;-)

Do you see a pattern in your actions with people, why they pull away from you? It's hard to say whether you were trying to be romantic or just emphatic and a good friend with them. Showing romantic notions can really turn some people off.

Lenala Xhula

Behemoth (Primal)

Thank you guys for these comments!
It really did mean a lot for you guys to read this and type something.

As for your question Annabel, I would like to think I was never really like that, I was mainly just passionate and just wanted spread positive energy towards the FC.
Although it was a very large Group.
I always Aimed to spread that energy to as many people as I could.
Like wherever I hung out, if I came across any member, new or old I would wave and hug and just chat.

Deadly Sinn

Exodus (Primal)

I remember we raided briefly in the Alexander Creator tier! Those were the good ol' days. I'm still around playing the game on Exodus! Though finding a small group of people to play with is hard these days

Don't feel bad for taking a break from the game, burnout is real in this game and its okay to step away from it from time to time. If you ever need a buddy for roulettes and I happen to be on, feel free to give me a shout!

Annabel Ashcroft

Faerie (Aether)

ah, ok. You know, some people are just REALLY weird when it comes to trying to get to know them. They are not used to social contact, even virtually, and will act odd or outright pull away if any real attempt is made with them.

So, no, I think it was them, not you. Nothing you can really do about that; just accept it and move on. ;-)
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