COMMANDERETTE Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen of
the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light
leagues per minute.

SKROOB Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must
take the Princess alive.

EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE In front of Spaceball 1 is Vespa's car.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SANDURZ and HELMET are standing in the
front.

SANDURZ Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.

HELMET (mask down) Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.

Guns start firing.

INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA takes off the headphones. The car is
shaking.

VESPA What's going on?

DOT It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.

VESPA Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up
phone)

DOT What you doing?

VESPA I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials the phone)

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE

HELMET (lifts up mask) Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose,
not up it.

GUNNER (lifts up eye guard) Sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) Doing my
best.

HELMET Who made that man a gunner?

MAJOR I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)

HELMET Who is he?

SANDURZ He's an Asshole, sir.

HELMET I know that. What's his name?

SANDURZ That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.

HELMET And his cousin?

SANDURZ He's an Asshole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip
Asshole.

HELMET How many Assholes we got on this ship, anyhow?

All, but few, stand up.

ALL Yo!

HELMET I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. (pulls down mask) Keep
firing, Assholes!