In just a month.Black Mage Mochi! I still kind of suck playing Black Mage, but I am learning it x'D
Everyday I had to deal with confinement my parents set up for me.
Without them even realizing they did.
Had to face feeling alienated from the world.
Everyone, every single day show off how perfect their life are,
How stable their life are. Especially in social media.
I had to deal with these show off everyday while my parents are confiding me,
and also undermining me, myself and my life. To the point I feel like.. Almost feels like abuse that I can never report it to anyone and just had to keep it to myself.
Nothing I can do either they control everything of me.
Especially my dad. Who rather brag his achievement and comparing himself to mine.
When tbh, I become like this partly his fault as well.
But my dad will never want to admit.
In his mind he is a holy man that God would put me to hell for thinking this.
At least that what he thinks. At least, my dad believe he sacrifice so much,
but he thinks his daughter suck so he blame me for my failure.
Been better ever since I escape to FF. I feel less alone than irl,
where I feel like I am being trapped in a box.
I met plenty and plenty of people who makes me feel less alone, depressed and a failure.
Everyday I just wish to die when I wrote in my diary how much I hate my life. Every time I read it on my phone I just bunch of thought how much I hate my life.
But I’m glad to be back here, even just a month, I feel like many people here helped me so much,
through my loneliness and sadness.
Everyday I feel very lonely and shame . My parents especially continuously making me feel shame about myself. Especially my dad. He likes to shame many people.. Me or mom, lol. He is the king of this world in his mind I guess.
Had to deal with low self esteem, and how much I hate my life everyday.
But FFXIV people helped me. Even comment in this blog website also helped me.
When I feel like I hate my life very much. At least someone on internet give me meaning to my life.
When I feel like dying everyday. But I have friends here who helped me and bring me smile. I told my guildmate today I feel like I have a healthier relationship in the game over real life. Super toxic.
I enjoy the music my guildmate play over virtual night sky today. It was really moving, even if it was just a virtually. Not like I could explain any of these to anyone in real life. They will never understand the feeling I had. So I just have to bottle everything myself.
Sometimes I feel like I have more freedom in this game over in real life. Where everything is restricted and limited. Last time my parents even prohibit me to have fresh air 😂. Confinement is beyond ridiculous… I am starting to feel a bit like a cage animal now 😂🤣.
I laugh sometimes my parents somehow believe my life is too happy because of them.
Idk where how they view my life like that.. Hilarious.
But well I hope doctor could help me with my treatment tomorrow. I feel like I am being treated more of a human in FF than irl where my parents keep shaming me everyday and also, making me believe my life is nothing but useless.. 😂 Imagine how sad that is when your parents give you no hope to live. Hah 😂..
Sometimes I don’t know if I have to laugh or cry anymore. A mixture of both. But that’s ok. That’s how real life is. I must move on anyway, and keep living through this madness.
I don’t even know if I’ll ever be truly happy in life.
But just keep going.