It hurt.
They tell you that when a person falls from that high, they either die or they blackout from the impact. But neither of those things is true. If you don’t die, there is a moment of sheer, indescribable, unbearable pain. You try to scream, but you can’t. Everything hurts and nothing works. Not your eyes, your arms, your voice, your lungs. Nothing. There’s only pain in this moment that doesn’t seem to end. It lasts for an eternity. And then you feel it… the warm wetness that spreads all around you, the acrid stench of blood. Your blood. you realize you’re broken. Bent in ways you shouldn’t be.You feel your inside shifting, your life being drained, the pain rising.
And then you black out.
-
I dreamt of Titan. Hazy, blurred. It wasn’t the same as my memory. It was different. Warped somehow. His monstrous face coming at me, giant fists clenched, the ground shaking beneath my feet. I couldn’t stand in my dream. I fell. I coward in fear, there on my knees. I couldn’t move. I waited for the impact but it never came.
It was supposed to…
It was….
-
Then it hit me. A crushing weight on my chest. I couldn’t breath. I opened my mouth. I gasped. My chest heaved. But I couldn’t get air. I couldn’t open my eyes. Everything burned. Everything hurt. I was being moved but I wasn’t moving.
Somewhere beyond the pain, I knew there was hands touching me. Deft, far away. Voices. Panicked? I couldn’t tell. I think I heard screaming.
But I couldn’t breath. I was suffocating. Drowning.
I gasped again, struggled. Willed my muscles to move. I breathed in… one painful breath. Then warmth filled my mouth. I started choking. My broken body rocked, warm liquid poured from my mouth… the faint taste of something metallic.
Then everything stopped again.
-
I had been trapped. A thing of magic. Bindings of stone had wrapped themselves around me. Bent to the will of Titan. I hadn’t be able to move out the way. Abyssal had tried to grab the attention of the beast. Candle was screaming somewhere from the side.
“Get him out!”
Gabrielle had been there too, sword in hand. I had seen her in the corner of my eye. But nothing they did, or could have done, would have been able to stop what happened next.
I fell.
-
A faint echo of feeling… but not quite. I felt far away… far away from what, I had no idea. It was just a feeling. Like floating away from something…. Something safe. The place I wanted to be.
I was drifting, a mass of something not human. Just a lingering hint of thought meshed with… existing?
No.
Non-existence.
This was not existence.
This was nothingness.
Maybe.
So close...
-
I was pulled away. Anchored. Dragged back in, screaming to the top of my lungs. I thrashed. I fought. I cried.
I didn’t move an inch.
I didn’t make a sound.
I laid there. Trapped. Blurry eyes taking in shadows moving. Familiar faces stained red… I think I knew them.
I hated them.
They were hurting me as they looked down at me with worried eyes.
They hurt me so much. And I couldn’t do anything about it.
I lay there, and let them hurt me until it all faded away again.
-
I didn’t dream anymore. I didn’t drift.
I sat some place dark. Lonely. Breathing only slightly.
It wasn’t real. I knew that. But it didn’t have to be. As long as I was there, it was fine. I just had to stay here. If I went anywhere else, I would feel it again.
I didn’t want to feel again.
Anything but that.
So I sat, and breathed only slightly. Waiting for nothing.
-
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
A voice pierced through the darkness of my cocoon. Like an arrow through a veil, light sparked just beyond my view. Brighter… brighter. It drew nearer. Encompassing everything.
Blurred… white. So bright. I felt warmth. Just warmth… nothing else.
“I should have been there,” the voice said.
The blinding light faded slowly. Revealing a shadowed face. It was too far away… too blurred. It turned away… it left.
I knew that voice.
Raksha.
I wanted to say something. But couldn’t. And then he was gone.
I was too tired. I sank into the warmth and slept.
-
“E-Sumi-Yan says you’re doing well… considering what happened…”
I was dragged from slumber again, but a different voice this time.
“I know you’ll recover fully…”
A soft voice, forced full with hopefulness-- a lie filled with doubt-- a sweet gesture that was lost. I knew better and so did she.
I watched Candle leave as well… then drifted back into my cocoon.
-
Visitors came and went. Each time dragging me back into existence. Each time I cursed them.
I hated them.
Why did they have to do this? I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be awake. I didn’t want to be alive.
Why did they have to anchor me here?
Why couldn’t they just let me drift away.
It had been so nice… not feeling. Not caring. Not fighting. Not searching Just floating.
Why…?
-
I dreamt again.
This time I saw Vaughn. We were at the Forgotten Springs, soaking sore feet in the misty waters. Steam rose high into the air, circling up to the stars as the cool night air settled in over the dunes.
“War is coming soon,” he said, nonchalantly, as he stared up into the sky.
I bet he thought he looked cool.
I could only see fear in stance. The look of someone who’s ponder if they’re going to die soon… that maybe this would be the last moment of peace they would ever have.
“I know,” I said to him. “It’s all everyone talks about…”
“It’s going to happen Tyr… it’s not just talk. It’s coming… This is real.”
“I know.”
“It’s not the same as Dad’s stories…”
“I know, Vaughn.”
“I might die…”
“I know…”
“Take care of yourself if I do.”
“I will.”
-
Take care of yourself….
Take care of yourself if I die...
Why?
You’re not dead. I know it.
Why do I have to take care of myself if you’re not dead.
You should be here.
Why aren’t you here?
Damn it all…. why do I have to take care of myself…
I curl back up into the darkness and sleep…
-
“They’re telling stories of you in Ishgard. Tyr Leif felled a beast ten times his size. How amazing it must have been!”
Aymerics voice. Velvety. Optimistic. An eternal sense of amazement. A child at heart, with a soul as old as time. His blue eyes were clear as ice, but his presence was warm like fire. Comforting.
I could only blink at him.
“I know, I know. You did not fell him yourself,” Aymeric went on. “But you can not deny the people their story. It brings them hope. What we need most right now is hope...”
I blinked at him again.
“You bring us hope, Tyr. And we will bring you hope in return. Just trust us, okay?”
Okay…. but not right now…
I’m tired.
-
I was awake. More awake than I had been in what felt like a long time. My eyes were open. I could see. Color and depth had returned, but clarity was still a work in progress. I could make out my bedroom… home. The home I had grown up in. the purple and yellow wallpaper, the familiar scent of ferns and the creak of hardwood floors. Blankets surrounded me, pillows were piled up behind me.
It was warm…
No. It was hot.
It was burning up.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t toss back the covers that were drowning me in heat. All I could do was blink, breathe, and hope…
Hope someone came and saved me… I was going to burn alive.
-
“Get him in the water, quick. We have to get his fever down.”
Someone had me by the shoulders, someone else had me by the legs. I was being manhandled. Jarred, jerked, hefted up a flight of stairs. I was screaming as the pain in my body flared up and took over… but again, I never made a sound. I could only be handled, meek, quiet.
And then I was submerged in ice cold water… a suddenly I found my voice.
I screamed.
“Oh gods, someone send for E-Sumi-Yan! I can’’…”
“Hold his head up, don’t let him move.”
“Tyr you need to breathe.”
“Tyr, Breathe, dammit.”
“Shut up and breathe! This is for yer own good!”
A slap across the face. Searing pain. Blackness… I fell away.
-
“Tyr, it’s time to wake up.”
No. I don’t want to.
“We need you to open your eyes.”
Go away.
“Don’t be stubborn now.”
I’ll be stubborn all I want.
“Open your eyes.”
No.
I felt a pinch on my wrist.
My eyes snapped open. Anger flared within me.
What the hell?
“See, it’s not so bad is it?” E-Sumi-Yan said, smiling sweetly at me from the bedside. “Being awake, that is.”
I stared at him.
“Your friends will be happy to know you’ve come back to them.”
Again, I could only stare.
“It’s okay to speak, you know.” E-Sumi-Yan said. “Go ahead, try.”
I didn’t want to… didn’t think I could. To speak… it felt like a betrayal… So many times i had tried to speak, to scream, to have a voice… and nothing had happened. If I tried now… and I couldn’t… I didn’t think I could bare it.
“Say something, Tyr.” E-Sumi-Yan prodded. “I know you can.”
I blinked at my old mentor. A person who meant the world to me… he was asking me to do something so simple… and I was too afraid to comply.
I felt something wet well up in my eyes… streak down my face.
“It’s okay, you can do this.” E-Sumi- Yan said, and I felt him squeeze my hand.
Take care of yourself. I struggled… just moving my lips took so much energy… so much effort. my throat was dry… my muscles were tried. More tears slid down my face…
I tried…
I tried so hard….
It hurt.
“Hi…”
“That’s it… I knew you could do it.”
I couldn’t stop crying.
It hurt so much to much alive...
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Written in the course of an hour... kind of hastily finished. Let me know what you think.
